Many people who have not been in therapy ask themselves “Why does my therapist not react to what I’m saying?” There are some things about psychotherapy that feel very natural. There are other things that feel artificial at times. One of the examples of the latter is the degree to which a therapist maintains a neutral demeanor. Some therapists are more strict about this than others. Some may have trained in more classically-oriented programs where maintaining a neutral demeanor is considered a fundamental aspect of therapy. Others may feel like a less formal approach is essential to building a rapport with her clients.
Generally, I would estimate that remaining strictly neutral has softened over the last several decades. There are both professional and cultural reasons for this. But still maintaining a degree of neutrality, in general, is an important part of psychotherapy. A therapist needs to understand and relate but not necessarily encourage a person one way or another. After all, the therapist is not there to make decisions for you but to help you form your own decisions. Remaining neutral is a way of not swaying you in a particular direction.
There are exceptions when a therapist needs to offer a clear opinion if she thinks the client is making a particularly bad or dangerous decision. But most things in a person’s life are not that clear. We all feel the desire to offload the responsibility for a big decision onto another person at times. But we understand that ultimately we are the only ones who can properly make those decisions.
No Response Does Not Mean Not Interested
Don’t confuse neutrality with apathy or disinterest. It is easy to feel like a neutral demeanor suggests that your therapist does not care or feels distant. That is usually not the case. Again, what is much more likely is that the therapist is trying not to weigh in on the issue. She does not want to give you the impression that she approves one way or another. After all, no therapist wants to make a big mistake and point you in a direction that could be the wrong one. For most issues, therapists can’t be sure of the answer to a particular decision. (Not to mention that there may not be a particularly right answer) Better to help clarify and understand than to take a stance.
Therapist’s Advice is not Friend’s Advice
Contrast the neutral demeanor of your therapist with that of a friend with whom you are sharing a significant issue. Take a relationship issue as an example. You may tell your friend about a conflict that has arisen with your partner. She might react with great animation or indignation on your behalf and give you clear advice on what to do. But we all know how often advice from friends goes unheeded. It is not because we don’t value our friends’ advice but because we are not really asking them for advice. We really just want understanding and support. It is a fairly natural thing for friends to give advice, but we know unconsciously that our friends oftentimes don’t know the whole picture. They feel a natural bias and protectiveness for us. That may not always lead to a full understanding and thereby solid advice.
Your therapist, on the other hand, knows that she cannot know the full situation much of the time and should not take a strong position because there are likely other aspects that have not come out yet. Those other aspects could change her opinion quite drastically. And it could happen again, and yet another time after that. Most therapists have fallen into that trap at times and have regretted letting themselves take an unwarranted stance. The best defense against those foolish professional mistakes: stay as neutral as you can.
So keep an open mind when you’re not sure what your therapist is thinking. Don’t assume she is not interested in what you have to say. Remind yourself that she is trying to stay neutral. She wants to do what is best for you by not jumping too quickly to conclusions.
When you’re ready, give therapy a try. You will likely find it an illuminating and helpful experience.
