One of the most common questions people ask when starting therapy is, “What do I say to my therapist?” Oftentimes clients worry that they are supposed to have a list of things to go over. They mentally prepare for the session to make sure they have sufficient things to say. Some people worry they will forget the things that they wanted to go over, so they’ll make a list.
There is nothing wrong with thinking of some of the things you might want to discuss. But it is not necessary. I have often encouraged my clients not to over prepare before coming, particularly when it seemed to be a source of anxiety. Letting things flow naturally usually helps.
The psychodynamic approach to therapy, in fact, focuses on letting your mind go where the unconscious mind takes it. In other words, what is below the surface will guide you where you need to go. That in itself is a little unsettling, but your unconscious mind has a lot of things it wants to get at. Preparing has the potential to stall that. Sometimes it is a defense mechanism that prevents you from going where your unconscious mind wants you to go.
It’s ok to think about the things that are discussed in between sessions. The time in between can be very productive through reflection. There are insights, questions, and observations that you will want to go over in the next session. But you don’t need to lay it all out in your mind beforehand. Give yourself some bullet points. Then let it happen spontaneously.
The Dreaded Silent Pause
Don’t worry that you’re not going to have anything or enough to say. The therapist is there to help you with that. They are trained to be patient, to give you time to reflect. They want to help you feel comfortable taking your time. That is true even when silent pauses occur. And we all fear that–the awkward silent pause.
We often dread the awkward silence with people we have just met or whom we don’t know very well. That can definitely happen in therapy too. Therapists have to get used to it early in their careers. We commonly talk about it in training—how to be comfortable when there is silence. Therapists train themselves not to automatically jump in there. Instead, we work to allow the client to get used to the silence that is bound to happen occasionally.
Take your time and let yourself think. Your therapist understands. They will give you that space. Occasional silent episodes might even become a regular phenomenon that gives you some sense of peace. After all, a lot of us don’t necessarily have a lot of silence in our lives or in our heads. Sitting with someone who doesn’t require you to say something is therapeutic in its own way.
The Bottom Line
Don’t let the fear of not knowing what to say get in your way. There’s no reason to be deterred by the question, “What do I say to my therapist?” Give it a go. Make an appointment and start working to make the changes you want for your life.
